The Butters Five Rules for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu

Introduction

Over the fall of 2025 we exposed my son to the competitive side of of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. We did not know at the time if he would show any interest in moving from casual learning to performance-based mastery. After his first informal competition he told us he wanted to try real tournaments. I admired his bravery and realized he did not know enough about competitions to truly grasp how different it would be. So, I tried to to teach him.

The first month did not go well. He still did not understand how to intrinsically motivate himself. Earlier in the year, during the summer, he only responded to the coach, or me acting as a coach, raising our voice to push him to go harder. Neither of us felt good abobut the situation so we sat Ezra down and told him he needed to figure out what drove him to do Jiu Jitsu. Asking a 6 year old that question presents a lot of interesting challenges, most directly tying to their lack of experience.

I spent a lot of time in the gym, watching him learn new moves and try to figure out how to apply them effectively. I thought about all the things I might say to him to help him go further. Some of it came out as simple cheering, sometimes it was a gental critique or pointer to help him see how to do it better, and a lot of the time it was me trying to not raise my voice to cut through the noise he created for himself.

The first set of rules for BJJ

To overcome this barrier I decided to work with him to come up with a framing to help him navigate fights. We talked after practice every day, with me probing with some open ended questions about what he had learned and what he felt he could do differently. Over the course of three weeks we created a few rules could operate by and hold himself accountable to. At first there were only three rules: Have fun, Show up & Turn it up, and Be respectful.

This felt like a healthy place to start. I know I care about his performance more than I should. Friends and counselors gave me roughly the same feedback: “He’s seven. It’s amazing he’s choosing to compete at all. Whether he wins or loses doesn’t matter at this point.” So I wanted to focus on basic things anyone should do when they care about any activity they’re doing.

My son seemed to appreciate it. Instead of feeling pressured to perform, he started to have more fun trying harder. He figured out for himself what motivated him and started to make progress. As with all development, it wasn’t one direction. He regressed at times and found new ways to make problems almost every week. It didn’t matter, he was enjoying himself and getting ready for competition. When the first competition happened, we both realized we needed a few more rules.

Expanding to five rules

Walking up to his first match, I could feel the tension coursing through my son’s body. Heck, I don’t know if I have ever felt so tense outside of true emergencies. He walked up to the mat and hesitantly stepped forward to take on his first opponent. He clearly had the skill advantage throughout the fight. He had dominant position. It felt like he should have won. In the end, however, the referee gave it to the other kid by decision. There’s a complicated thing in BJJ about “near-fall” points that I won’t get into here. What’s important is that Ezra had everything he needed but couldn’t overcome the other kid. I asked him if he had a plan, and he told me he didn’t have one. In that moment a new rule was born: “Have a plan”.

Taking that to the next match, he won by points. I can’t tell you how proud I am to see him bring it immediately into play. The next few matches were a mixed bag. He lost both of them for very different reasons. He did great for his first tournament, especially because none of us knew how overstimulating the environment would be.

Later in the day he got the opportunity to try again. There are multiple divisions in BJJ, based on whether or not the competitors are wearing traditional Gis or more modern MMA-style sportswear. He had two fights in this division and both of them were memorable. He dominated the first match for the full duration, getting the kid onto the bottom and retaining control the entire time. He lost the fight, however, by decision. He had not pushed hard enough to finish the fight by advancing to submitting the other kid and so the referee awarded the other kid the match.

We were all devastated. Nobody more than my son. Other parents came up to us and complained that he should have gotten points for getting to dominant control positions multiple times. The problem turned out to be he did not hold control for a full 3 seconds at any point. No matter. My son cried because he was so disappointed. I felt for him. I had to immediately coach another of the team though so I could not sit with him and help him process. My wife could, and she did an excellent job. She took him away from the competition floor and let him take a moment to breathe and recover.

When he came back, I could see the full change in him. He looked focused, energized, and determined to show everyone how strong he truly was. He charged out onto the mat when the referee waved him forward and immediately dropped into his stance. When the fight started he moved with authority and took the other kid down quickly. From there it took him some time to get the submission, but there was never a doubt he would finish the fight. And so the fifth rule was born.

Conclusion

We use these rules every day to help guide us in our training and our action. When my son is having a hard time I often remind him of the rules so he can focus on how he wants to operate. This helps him regulate through moments when he’s struggling or fixated on the outcome rather than what he can control directly. I look forward to seeing how he will evolvve these rules as he grows. I hope to use them along with him.